I need to start Medifast again. I am not making the progress I want and I am not strong enough to go without it.
Man oh man…I am tired.
I need to start weening myself off of caffeine. I have been enjoying Starbucks on a way too frequent basis and I think that is leading to the midday fatigue. Plus, I have been hitting the gym nice and late these days. I need to get out earlier.
In other news, I weighed in at 251.4 this morning, which is awesome! I am shooting for 251.0 tomorrow. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
I went to the gym last night and it was good. It was the first time in 6 days that I went to the gym. I have been doing stuff that has required elbow grease and squats for long periods of time, but…I am supposed to be training for a half marathon in January, which means I am supposed to be running.
I did notice that I am running faster and more comfortably than I was 2 months ago. This is a nice feeling. My speed is getting better and that makes me feel like a rockstar! But I really, really need to go the distance and push myself to that. I mean, a half marathon is no sprint at all.
I was only at the gym for 33 minutes last night, which is super lame. Listen, I know that the exercise recommendation is a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio, three times per week. But with getting into your gear, stretching and then showering and stretching…these things take TIME! So for all the effort to get ready and cool down, you are only going to devote 30 pithy little minutes to the activity at hand? It seems like a waste. I know, I know…this is not the right mindset. ”Every little bit helps,” blah, blah, blah. I like the whole hour at the gym. It makes me feel accomplished and that all the pre and post work is not done in vain.
Anyway…onward!!! We run tonight!
Weight today was 252.0. Down 0.2 pounds. I need to make up a 0.1, which means I need to lose 0.4 today. Which means I need to hit the gym tonight. Tomorrow, I will weigh 251.6. It is decided.
***************************************************************
It is weird being in this state of calm. By calm, I mean that my internal being is mellow. I am not in survival mode. The truth is that my physical life has never been one that is in a state of survival. I have always had the means to provide myself the bare necessities and the life I wanted. I have always had shoulders to cry on and people to share the good times too. I have never been one who has been without.
But there was a time where I felt like I was in survival mode. I wanted my life to be a certain way and it was not. I wanted a specific title and I did not have it. I wanted more than I had and I was not content with my life as it was. It really tore me up. I felt less than. I felt like I was not up to the league of many of my friends, even the closest ones who never give a shit about anything other than me being authentic self (which means that I totally laugh at their jokes all the time).
I was pretty damn destructive. I remember a time when my weekends looked like this: get off 2nd job on Friday night, go out, drink massive amounts of anything alcoholic, maybe sleep with someone (depending on the night), pass out somewhere (home or otherwise), spend Saturday on my couch watching TV all day only to leave the house to find food (which typically consisted of fast food, 2 bags of Doritos, sour cream and dip mix and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Mostly, this would last through the weekend…but sometimes, it did not), then work at 2nd job again on Saturday night, repeat the Friday post-2nd job and carry on into Sunday.
There was no planning in my life. By nature, I am a list person. I LOVE LISTS! I love breaking tasks down, checking them off when they are complete and feeling that everything is in order because I am getting it done. So without the lists, the planning, the little accomplishments….my life was in a tailspin. Granted, this was the least of my sources for destruction, but if I had a list, it would’ve helped. Even a little.
But now I am not that person. Now, I have order. Now, I have inner peace. Now I can write a list again and know that if I stay on point, I will get there. I am right where I need to be.
Just for today…I am in the right place and I recognize and embrace it. Every move is thoughtful and meant to advance my life on the best possible path.
I lost 3.8 pounds last week! Granted, I have been sitting around 252.0 for almost 2 months now…but it is better than gaining weight. I really attribute this to the increased movement from manual labor. I did a half-ass run/walk on the treadmill this week for one night. Even bigger, being cognizant of my eating HAS to be helping. I am being wiser and while I am still eating out A LOT, I am trying to get the most veggies in that I can. I am also trying to make sure my portion sizes are not out of control. Eat only what I REALLY want and need and nothing more.
I do want to start training for that half marathon. I may be too late. I dunno. I am still doing it no matter what, but I do want to appear somewhat strong…and not finish last. But there is still house stuff. I suppose this is the life of a homeowner though……there will always be projects. Exercise has to be worked in there somewhere.
Oh yeah…it is official. I am a bridesmaid in TWO weddings next year…one in May and one in November-ish. WOW. I love my girls. I want to look hot. So here is how I need to play it…
Lose 52.2 pounds by May 15th = 180 days until the event = lose approx 0.3 pounds per day = approx. 2.10 loss per week. Do-able.
Ditto for losing weight from May 15th to November 1st. Again…doable.
I really need to get my ass on that treadmill.
Two bridal parties.
I am going to be a bridesmaid TWICE in 2010.
I need to get fat ass moving. NOW!
I wonder how many calories are burned when scraping wallpaper?
Have I talked about Boss Lady? I don’t think I have.
Boss Lady (BL) is one of the coolest chicks I will ever meet. BL is my boss for real. We met a little over 3 years ago and eventually, I followed her when she left for a new adventure because…I kinda like being bossed around by her. She is an easy to person to work for, plus she is FUN! We really are pals, go out to happy hours way too much and really enjoy each other’s company.
She’s in her mid-40s, has three teenage kids, is about 5′1″ (but you would never know it since she wears 4″ platform heels everyday), weighs about 115 pounds and has ripped arms. She wakes up at 4:30 – 5:00 a.m. almost everyday to get in a workout (or else, with the kids and their schedules, she would NEVER get one in. I can attest to this). She has also talked about when she was fat. Mind you, she says she was 30 pounds overweight and while I roll my eyes at that notion, I know it is a lot of weight on a short, petite stature. She joined Weight Watchers and is a success story of like, 20 years maintenance or something.
We have talked about her and her eating and workout routine. For her, it is a “have to” and she does not waiver on that. But more than once…many, many, many times, she has said “I want to stick my face in that cake.”* She has said she gets annoyed when people say “Oh, you can eat anything you want!” Her response is “Uhhh, no I can’t. Believe me, I want to, but I work hard to be in shape and I just cannot be fat again. I was miserable!”
You know what people??? Even the skinny ones have their demons. They want it just as bad as us fat girls. But they make choices just like we make choices. Everyday. Exercise? What am I going to eat? They make the choice to be active and the choice to plan breakfast, lunch and dinner around whatever activities that are happening that day. Of course, they splurge and eat the damn cake, but they eat one small slice. They get up at 4:30 a.m. to workout. They eat edamame for a snack. They eat veggies that they sliced the night before.
Every move is calculated. Boss Lady says it SUCKS to have to think about it everyday. But she does. And she is hot. And she will be hot and healthy until the day she dies.
*We have cake for office birthdays. The office works against every good weight deed you want to do in a day.
Does anyone else on a weight loss journey have voices in their head? I can’t think that I am the only one. While it may seem like I am a bit schizo, it’s okay. The voices are a good thing. They are there, which means that they are active.
Last night, I SERIOUSLY wanted 2 tacos, onion rings and a chocolate shake from Jack in the Box. I knew it was easy to get. But then the voice started talking to me.
“You are exhausted! You know you are going to fall asleep soon.” (So true)
“It will be there tomorrow.”
“Save it up for breakfast tomorrow.”
I was fighting the active voice, but I still listened. I was tired. I was ready to fall asleep and I did want to save the calories for breakfast the next morning. So I sat on it. And then I fell asleep.
I had the day off today, I went out for my nice breakfast of eggs, potatoes, a biscuit with butter and bacon. I brought home a bunch of leftovers. I worked on my house for a couple of hours. I did have a chocolate shake and 2 tacos too. Everything was delightful. I truly relished it. I am now getting ready for a run at the gym.
I am happy for my active voice. There was a period of time when that voice was more than passive. It was dormant. I ate and ate and ate without any thought of consequence. There was NOTHING there telling me to stop. But now, I am letting it live and breathe within me.
You wanna know something? I weighed 252.8. My voice did not fail me.
My weight has gone down a whopping 0.6 pounds in the past 2 days and I really have not been watching what I eat, per se. Just eating only when I am hungry and not eating when I am not hungry.
But I am SORE. I have been scraping wallpaper for about 2 full work days (on top of going to work) and I am feeling very tired. I need the night off. I need to sleep. I feel like I have massive boulders under my eyes.
Tomorrow is another day. Plus, we will own the damn place for 30 years, so if not everything gets done in 30 days…that is okay.
